On the top of the hill
by Pearlislove
Summary: On those days, that seem too long, like they just won't end, and on those days, that seem to short, like they never even existed, Pearl likes to walk all the way up the hill. (preread by Opal23) TW: Mention of suiced/suicide attempt
1. Chapter 1

On those days, that seem too long, like they just won't end, and on those days, that seem to short, like they never even existed, Pearl likes to walk all the way up the hill.

On the top of the hill, there's a lighthouse. Sometimes it's enough for Pearl to stop there, to sit inside or stay outside by the door. Sometimes she feel satisfied just feeling the grass between her finger and the cool white stone pressing against her back.

Some days, she continues instead. She walks past the lighthouse, continuing on her way until the grass beneath her feet is exchanged for weather-worn sandstone, and she knows that she's standing on top the goddess's head.

The goddess. That's what the inhabitants of Beach City call her, the beautiful creature carved into the stone on the side of the cliff. None of them remember her real name anymore, having lost it at some point during the hundreds of years that passed since the carving was executed.

Pearl wish she could be as forgettable as the people of this town, simply letting Poudretteite disappear into the fog at the back of her mind, where so many other beautiful things had disappeared already.

If Pearl tiptoed all the way to the edge of the head of the goddess statue, she can look down at the stones and the sand below. She can imagine herself taking just one more step, en pointe, and then fall, tumble around in the air and maybe, for just a single second, regret her decision , all before letting gravity catch up with and collided with the sand. At worst, a fall like that would end in a regeneration, and possibly a crack in her gem, but at best, it would simply shatter her, and it would mean all would be over.

She made that fall, once, or maybe twice, she can't remember. The only thing she can remember the comfort the action brought her, turning bittersweet when it didn't work the way she wanted to, and instead, she was forced to stand responsible for her actions in front of Garnet and Amethyst.

On this day, one of those days that just seem all too long, Pearl consider to try again. It didn't feel like she had anything to lose anyway, and based off earlier experience, it probably wouldn't end with her being shattered, either. She could just claim she slipped with her foot when they asked afterwards, they wouldn't have a reason not to believe her. Not anymore.

"Pearl? What are you doing up here?" Steven's childish voice echoed in her ears. It sounded so soft and innocent, not much different from the day he said his first word, even though Pearl had read human's voice changed when they got older.

She turned away slowly, not wanting to actually slip and fall. No, if she fell, she wanted it to be her own decision.

She needed to know that he was really there, that it wasn't just her imagination playing tricks on her.

"Pearl? Did you also come here to enjoy the view? You shouldn't be so close to the edge...you could fall." It really was him. It really was her sweet little baby. He had come up here to enjoy the view. She didn't knew he did that. He had never asked any them to join him.

"Ah, yes...the...the view. I came to enjoy the view." She try to make it sound natural, not at all like she was caught doing something she shouldn't. It comes out awkward, though, and she cringed. Steven was most certainly going to tell Garnet and Amethyst, and she was going to be put on suicide watch. Again.

"Pearl, are you alright?" Steven take one step towards her. Just one single step, but her foot react on its own, instinctively taking one step backwards, and she let out a yelp of surprise.

It's standing on nothing. There is nothing but air beneath her left foot, because she was already so close to the edge that when she backed, there was nothing left to walk on.

"Pearl!" Steven sound scared, and she is too, because she can feel her right foot slipping and know that soon she'll be falling down again.

"Steven, remeber that I love you." She says it, just in case this is her lucky third time. Just in case there are no more painful regenerations for her.

She's not sure if she would have preferred to chose her third time herself, but none the less, she feels utterly at easy while she's falling, not even feeling the usual panic as she sense the beach getting so much closer.

It was an accident, she know Steven will vouch for her concerning that little detail, but she couldn't care less.

She's just happy it might be over.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time Steven climbed up to the top of the hill above the temple, he was heartbroken and scared. He was afraid that his involvement in gem business may eventually lead to the death of everyone he loved. Back then, he had barely noticed how beautiful the view was, the cliff overlooking the sea with a lighthouse placed three fourth of the way to the top, but nowadays it was what pursued him to keep coming back.

He always went alone. It wasn't like he didn't enjoy spending time with the gems or Connie or his dad, or that he didn't think they'd enjoy the view, too, but he liked being alone sometimes. No one demanding his attention, asking him to _say things_ , just him, the silence and the view.

Normally, he wouldn't walk all the way to the top, just up to the lighthouse. After all, if he sat down in front of it, he would get the exact same view as if he went all the way to the top. Beside, Steven had never really been a fan of heights, and if he went all the way to the edge he'd just be scared to fall down. Not that that was likely to happen, but still. Better safe than sorry.

Today was different, though. As he sat down in his regular spot, he noticed that he wasn't alone on the hill. There was someone standing all the way up, at the very edge, dangerously close to falling down.

Steven quickly got up from his seat to move closer, curious as to who it was that had also decided to come up here today. From where he been sitting, he hadn't be able to see much of them, just a dark shadow moving in the distance, the cliff blocking most of the view as it turned out that they had been further out by the edge than he thought possible. They weren't even standing on the cliff, he finally realised, but on top the goddess statue's head, which poked out beneath the cliff edge.

With slight difficulty, he sat down on the top of the cliff and dropped himself down from the edge backwards, his legs going first and successfully landing on the soft sandstone below, kicking up a cloud of dust just by touching it with his sandal clad feet.

Turning around slowly, carefully not to slip on the uneven stone beneath his feet, Steven finally faced the person who had caught his attention while hiding out on the goddess' head. In his mind, he had assumed that it must be someone from town, like maybe Lars or Sour Cream. It seemed most likely, all things considered.

What Steven saw wasn't what he had expected. Standing at the very edge, just one step away from falling, was Pearl. The thin body wrapped in turquoise fabric and peach-coloured hair gave no room for doubt, and Steven wondered what she could possibly be doing up here. Maybe she had come to enjoy the view, just like him. She certainly seemed like someone who would understand the beauty of it all.

"Pearl? What are you doing up here?" He spoke quietly, but she obviously heard him, for she turned around slowly, quietly, looking at him but not saying a word. "Pearl? Did you also come here to enjoy the view? You shouldn't be so close to the edge...you could fall."

She smiled at him, and he realised that she was probably a tad confused. He had never told any of the gems that he liked to come up here, nor had ever invited the along, so Pearl had therefore probably not been expecting him to show up like he did. He hoped he hadn't scared her.

"Ah, yes...the...the view. I came to enjoy the view." Pearl said suddenly, finally answering his question from earlier. Only, it didn't sound like Pearl at all. It sounded forced and awkward, not at all like Pearl's normally smooth and intellectual speech. Something was wrong, and he wanted nothing more than to run down the hill and get Amethyst and Garnet, because they'd know what to do, what to say to make everything right again, but he was afraid to leave Pearl alone. The edge was so close to Pearl, and it was so far down, his stomach curled at the thought of what could possibly happen if she took just one more step, if she slipped.

He didn't want to loose her, and especially not like this, when he knew he could help her.

"Pearl, are you alright?" He had to ask, because the answer was obviously no, and he wanted Pearl to admit it. He thought maybe if she admitted it, she'd feel just a little better, and agree to move away from the edge so that he'd dare leave her alone long enough to got get Garnet and Amethyst.

Steven had never regretted a decision that much in his entire fourteen year old life. As soon as the words escaped his lips, Pearl's eyes light up in fear, and she move her right foot backwards, wanting back away, and though it's just one step, it's one step too much, because there's no ground left for her to step on, and Pearl's right foot end up dangling in the air in front of the cliff, pulling her entire body away from solid ground.

"Pearl!" Steven scream, terrified, not knowing what to do. He want to rush forward and grab onto her, drag her back towards safety, but is scared that he might end up pushing her instead. He couldn't live with himself if he knew it was his fall that she fell.

"Steven, remeber that I love you" Pearl says it quickly, urgently, before her left foot finally lose it's grip and she's falling out in the open air, gravity pulling her body further away from Steven's.

"Pearl!" He scream her name again, even though he know it useless, lying flat on his belly on the edge and watching her fall, unable to do anything to help. While he lay there, though he couldn't help noticing how satisfied and at peace Pearl looked, not scared or terrified at all. Her own happiness brought a sickening kind of calm to Steven,and he closed his eyes, not wanting to see more, but much to shocked to do anything else than staying where he was.

Tears rolled down his shins as he realised that what just happened might have been the last time he ever saw his beloved mother-of-sort. It felt surreal, like he couldn't believe it actually happened. He knew he should run down the hill and check if Pearl was okay, or go get Garnet and Amethyst, or just do anything at all, but he didn't. He had gone entirely numb, and all energy had left him.

He just hoped she was okay.


	3. Chapter 3

There was nothing in this world that Amethyst loved as much as sleeping. For her, it was the answer to every problem. When she was sleeping, Amethyst could forget that she was failure, that Pearl hated here and that no matter how hard she tried she could never quite fit in. Not with the humans, because she was and always would be purple, not even shapeshifting could fix that, and not with gems, because she emerged late and was never there during the war. It just wouldn't work out for Amethyst, but when she was asleep she could simply forget all that.

Amethyst's favourite napping spot was on some rocks out on the beach, the natural heat of the sun making them comfortably warm to lie and relax on during long summer days when she didn't have anything better to do. She didn't mind if Pearl called her lazy because of it, she stayed there anyway.

It was also on those beloved rocks that she had been lying, when disaster stricted.

It had been a long day, a tedious mission taking up the most of both her energy and time. When they finally came back, she had headed straight for those rocks, lying down and enjoying their warmth against her aching body. Relaxing, she had slowly been drifting off to sleep, when the sounded of something heavy hitting the ground woke her right up.

Peeking over the edge of the rock but not seeing anything, Amethyst wonder what it might have been that caused the sound. It had sounded quite heavy. Probably, it had been a part of the goddess statue on the cliff. That thing had dropped a lot of parts already in the past, and she wouldn't be surprised if it just dropped another arm or hand down on the beach. She just hoped it didn't do any damage that she'd be forced to help clean up, she was much too tired for that.

She was just going to go back to sleep, closing her eyes and slowly letting all the tension melt away when she was once more awoken by an unexpected sound. It sounded like a bubble popping, loud and high pitched, and Amethyst's felt her breakfast burrito coming back up as she recognised the sun, a million panicked thoughts running through her head as she were forced to empty her stomach content on the sand by her feet.

It had been the sound of a gem puffing, and from Amethyst's experience, that could mean but one thing. Amethyst's stomach lurched, and she once more bent over, emptying what little content she had left in her stomach as she tried not to think of what must have happened. She didn't want to have to face the facts, but neither could she avoid them in the long run.

Pearl had jumped off the cliff. Again. And this time, none of them had been there to catch her when she fell, listening her fall and making sure she was okay. This time, none of them had even had the chance to notice. It had happened quick, suddenly, and she had confused Pearl's lifeless body for a statue part, been about to fall asleep again when she finally poofed.

 _shediditagainshediditagainshediditagainshediditagainshediditagainshediditagainshediditagain_

It was an all-consuming thought, taking over Amethyst's mind and ruling out everything else. No logic or common sense existed in there anymore, just the single thought that _she did it again_ , which meaning she can't even begin to fathom because also that it ruled out in her mind, even though she's going to know soon enough.

"Amethyst!" Garnet's mighty voice call for her, ending the endless train of thoughts that was leading nowhere but had caught her all the same. She turned around, searching, finally spotting her stoic companion only a few steps away from the stairs to the beach house, standing there and looking the same as she always did, like nothing happened at all.

"GARNET! She did it! She really did it again, Garnet! She did even though she promised not to!" Amethyst is running, running as fast as those small legs of hers will allow. Words are exiting her mouth quicker than they entered her head as she was screaming at the top of her lungs, not even finding the energy care that Steven, who probably hadn't notice what's happening, could hear her.

First when she come closer, Amethyst finally notice something is wrong with Garnet, and it shut her up quicker than nothing else. She is shaking from head to toe, large hands carefully cradling something to her heaving chest.

"Help" A single word so quietly whispered, that Amethyst strained to hear it even though she tried, and follow by a whiny begging, suffering noise that sounded like nothing Garnet had ever uttered in her presence.

It's terrifying and absolutely dreadful.

"I'm here, it's okay." In mere seconds, the places had switched, and suddenly she was the strong and responsible one. She had to be the strong and responsible one. Because Garnet was falling apart, she could see that, and when Garnet was falling apart, it was a thousand times worse than when they were. When Garnet was falling apart, breaking ever so slowly as everything became to much even for her to handle, there was no stopping it. All you could do was watch over her and make sure she didn't get hurt in the process.

Seeing that Garnet was unresponsive, she tentatively laid her arms on Garnet's shoulders in a comforting gesture, speaking up before the other gem did. "Garnet? What's in your hands?"

"Her gem" It was a bare whisper, and seconds later Amethyst felt something heavy being dropped in her hand, Garnet exploding in a blast of white light that left Ruby and Sapphire lying discarded on the beach, unmoving for the longest time and scaring Amethyst into believing that they must have suffered a shock bad enough to crack their own gems as well.

Thinking of their gems, she glanced down at the item dropped in her own hands: a smooth white Pearl, once perfect but now cracked and chipped bad enough to be basically unrecognisable. It felt as though it was falling apart in her hands, and sudden panic welled up in her chest.

"She really did it." There hadn't been any doubt in Amethyst's mind for a long time,but holding her massacred remains, still intact enough that she _might_ survive, it felt impossibly real.

"We'll take her to the fountain, if you find Steven." Sapphire's ice cold voice reached her ears, and she turned around to face her, seeing that both of them had a recovered and were seemingly unharmed.

"Thanks" She sigh, partly in relief that she didn't have to hold the gem anymore, partly because she truly wouldn't be able to handle if Ruby and Sapphire had been hurt too. It would simply have been too much.

"Don't worry, Amy, we'll get her back. Good as new, I promise!" Ruby said optimistically, smiling in a way that was challenging anyone to disagree with her. They didn't.

"I'll entertain Steven, okay? I'll go look for him. He's probably with his dad or something. " She felt bad and useless as she carefully gave Pearl's badly hurt gem back to Sapphire, but knew that she couldn't stand staying and helping.

The memories of Pearl's lifeless body on the beach, bent in unnatural angels and unresponsive to her poking and prodding simmered before Amethysts eyes. She still felt the terror that possessed her when she found her last time, but now was somehow worse.

Now she didn't know if she would survive. Back then she had been sure she would.

Back then Garnet hadn't broken apart. Stil, in some way, it felt for Amethyst as though she had been affected the very worst the last time, and she supposed Sapphire and Ruby agreed, as none of them called her out for abandoning them and Pearl in this way. They understood the second time around was too much.

"Guess I got to find Steven." With little will to do so, Amethyst started to move, clumsily putting one foot in front of another until her instincts finally kicked in and she no longer had to think to move them.

All she thought of, was when she would find Steven, and what she'd say. She could lie, it would be easy, but even if Pearl was healed, things wouldn't be the same in the house, with twenty-four seven suicide watch and banning her from her room and missions, and Steven was sure to notice.

Nothing would ever be the same, and she was going to break it to Steven.


	4. Chapter 4

Garnet had seen a lot of horrible scenes in her life. She had been running around dirty battlefields covered in human-blood, choking on glittering dust as the remains of friends and foes was carried by the wind blowing in the deep valleys and high hills they fought for.

Garnet had seen friends fall for the hands of the enemies mere seconds before she reached them, mere seconds before she could have saved them. She had seen visions of the future than she hadn't dared consider possibly coming through due to its horridness.

She had seen what was left when the war and the battlefields they fought for was all over and behind them. She had seen the fear of humans fragileness keeping Pearl from befriending them, and she had seen the nightmares that made it impossible for Pearl to sleep like humans did. And she understood, that there was too much haunting, for it haunted her too. Humans reminded them of earth coloured red with innocent lives, dreams turned to nightmares of battles that were never forgotten.

But despite all things that happened to Garnet, few things had ever come to haunt her more than Pearls limp body laying lifeless on the beach, splayed out and broken, satisfied smile of pale lips and a gem broken and dented and cracked on a bruised forehead. It was the ultimate horror and would make you both come apart and put back together quicker than anything else.

The first time Rose was still around, pregnant but fully living. It had been a few months since Rose told everyone, but none of them knew yet that she wasn't going to make it. Except Pearl. Unbeknown to them, she had heard Rose discussing it with Greg, and it had been all that she could take. Two months later she lay there on the beach, broken but smiling all the same. The smile didn't fade from her lips until she realised that she survived, and after that it was a long while before Garnet saw it again.

The second time Rose was dead, and for Pearl, it was all she needed to make a decision. Desperate to escape, she tricked Garnet, and she fell. She fell so quick, so suddenly, that Garnet didn't have a chance to stop it. Yet, it still didn't work out. Amethyst found her, found her broken and pale body lying in the sand, and thanks to the healing powers of Rose's fountain Pearl survived.

Still, Amethyst was never the same.

The third time, was something Garnet hoped would never come. She hoped and prayed that Pearl would realise there was a place for her in this world, even without Rose. Her prayers were never answered. For no matter what they did to help, the third time still came, harder and more hurtful than ever before.

She had been in the kitchen, preparing an afternoon snack for Steven and feeling mystified that she hadn't seen neither Pearl nor Amethyst around the house for some time, but assuming their absence was motivated. They had been out on a tiering mission all of the day before, and she assumed that Amethyst was probably napping to regain energy and Pearl was taking some well-deserved time by herself. Nothing out of the ordinary, really, and Garnet didn't even bother to check her futurevision for any potential disturbances in the future.

In the end, she really wished she had.

The sound of something heavy hitting the ground outside the window on Steven's side of the house soon had Garnet rushing out of the house on pure instinct, wanting to know what it was that caused the sound but not expecting to find anything particularly upsetting.

She wasn't and she couldn't have been prepared for the sight that met her, but it didn't stop her from wishing she had been.

The moment she saw Pearl's bleeding, broken body with the horribly massacred gem, she knew it might be over. Carefully, she bent down beside it and cradled the dead weight of the body in her arms, waiting until it finally poofed and she was left with just the remains of the gem instead, pressing it to her chest. She felt as broken and pained as Pearl must have, even though her gem was perfectly fine.

It was not a physical pain, but a mental agony that so easily overcame her, because Pearl promised not to do it ever again, and yet she had gone and fucking done it like no one would care, knowing fully well that they all cared.

She knew that, didn't she? It couldn't have been why she did it, could it?

She doesn't here or see when Amethyst comes running, but rather just register her presence close by. She is screaming, panicked, Garnet can tell, but there is no stoic strength for her to give the younger gem. "Help" She whisper it as loud as she can, but her voice is hoarse and broken for reasons beyond her perception and she doesn't think Amethyst heard.

Yet she must have, no matter how quiet Amethyst whispered, because she is there by here side, comforting. "I'm here it's okay."

It's such a big lie that past Amethyst lips, and Garnet can feel Ruby boiling inside her, but she remain frozen in place because Sapphire is dominating and the only thing Ruby is doing is preventing ice from visibly spreading around her body.

"Garnet? What's in your hands?" Her question is worse than the earlier words of encouragement, and unable to scream or in any way vent her emotions, Garnet can immediately feel herself starting to come undone.

"Her gem." It's all that pass your lips, before your not you any more, and in an act of sheer protective instinct you hand over the gem to Amethyst so you won't still be holding it with you infuse, something that happens mere seconds later without your consent.

"She really did it" When Sapphire and Ruby finally come to it, both of them uncharacteristically emotional or unemotional, almost as if though they switched personalities, they can see Amethyst standing there with the gem in her hand. The gem they gave her. There is raw fear and deeply inflicted guilt and hate in her and it's so easy to tell that she doesn't want to hold the crumbling remains of her best friend in her hand like this, not at all.

"We'll take her to the fountain, if you find Steven." Though her voice is still frozen like ice, Ruby can tell that there is more emotion than what is normal in her voice, and she moved to stand closer to her girlfriend. Amethyst look both relieved and guilty, quickly handing back the somehow still somewhat intact gem to Sapphire.

"Thanks" Amethyst answer, vary, and Ruby feel an overwhelming need to ease her guilt over leaving Pearl with them.

"Don't worry, Amy, we'll get her back. Good as new, I promise!" Ruby offer quickly, trying to quiet her own need to offer Amethyst some empathy, and she look at the others, challenging them to contradict her optimistic prediction. They do not.

"I'll entertain Steven, okay? I'll go look for him. He's probably with his dad or something. " Amethyst offer back, clearly wishing to get away from Ruby and Sapphire and the broken gem as soon as possible. They just nodded, suddenly feeling quite urgent to leave for Rose Fountain, which they does.

The ride with the warp pad is not long, but Sapphire is being quieter than ever before, creating a silence that Ruby doesn't want to break and both of them just keep glancing between each other and the broken gem in Sapphire's hand as they wait to arrive and their destination.

Once they do arrive, the green garden will all the pink roses stretching out in front of them, they both break into a sprint without a second thought about their companion. They're so close to the healing waters that can actually save Pearl, now, and knowing how painstakingly slow they'd been before they feel compelled to make up for lost time.

Sapphire, of course, got the gift of hers that make her ten, twenty times faster than Ruby, and the gem is already in the water when Ruby actually reach the real fountain, the statue of Rose crying out a never ending supply of healing pink water wrong underneath her eyelids and into the pool.

The white piece of smoothened nacre is resting at the very bottom, slowly trying to repair itself as the blue haired conundrum sat by the edge and glanced down at it.

"You okay, Sapphy?" Slowly, Ruby sit down by her girlfriend, grabbing her arm with her hand and pulling her willing girlfriend in for a tight hug. "You know she's going to be perfectly alright."

"Her gem is going to be alright" Sapphire corrects, a tiny sob escaping her throat with a cry. " **She** is maybe never going to be alright, not if she continues to think that this is all of a solution there is, and we Continue To miss it." Sapphire couldn't help but feel responsible, guilty filling her from the inside out that she missed something that should have been blatantly obvious, obvious enough that she should have been able to do something.

"Schh, it's not your fault, you can't help that Garnet prefers to try and trust her teammates. We and her only want what's best for them.

"BUT MAYBE IT'S BETTER IF WE MEDDLE MORE!" Sapphire is screaming, and Ruby draw back, shocked. She can count the times Sapphire has screamed at her in all of their thousands of years of coexistence, both figuratively and literally, on her right hand. Sapphire's scream now scare her, even if she doesn't want to admit that to her partner.

"I'm sorry, I just…" Ruby's apology is cut short, when they suddenly see something rising out of the water, both of their eyes drawn to the strawberry blonde woman rising out of the healing waters, a now repaired white pearl resting on her forehead and glittering as the sun hit it from just the right angle.

The slight woman look at the other two woman, seeing the anger and pain on their faces even though she's not entire sure she understands whatever is wrong, and does what first comes to mind. "I'm sorry." She say, sad and hoarse and apologetic, tears spilling down her cheeks.

It took her forever to realise it, but she really hadn't meant to do this.


End file.
